The Incredible Journey

Thursday, December 4th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Over Thanksgiving break I became a fan of geometry, often imitating a horizontal line. One day, I was at home on the couch doing my best horizontal line impression, when I received a call from my friend, Cole. When I answered the phone, the excitement in Cole’s voice barely allowed him to construct complete sentences. The four phrases I could decipher were “Ryan Cabrera”, “in concert”, “on TV”, and “right now”. I grabbed my remote and began flipping through the channels before Cole informed me that the performance was only on satellite TV. My parents are modest cable owners, so I knew I was about to make a short drive to Cole’s house. Cole informed me Ryan had yet to play his hit, “On the Way Down”, and if I hurried, I just might make it in time to see it. Unable to pass on a chance to see the Voice of our Generation in a TV concert, I grabbed my keys and sprinted out the of my house, leaving the door open behind me. I jumped into my car and backed out of my driveway before peeling out at the bottom. The drive to Cole’s house is usually 10 minutes. I knew I could make it in five if I hurried. About halfway there I noticed those infamous blue and red lights flashing behind me. I checked my speed–78 in a 35. I was definitely speeding. But, there was no time to pull over when “On the Way Down” could be coming on any minute. So, I kept going. About a minute later I turned onto Cole’s street. I could see him standing in his front yard, jumping up and down and waving his arms ferociously, like a member of the airport traffic control staff. As I pulled up to his house, I knew there was no time to stop. I opened the door while the car was still moving and slammed the gearshift into neutral, before jumping out and doing a somersault into the front yard. My car finished it’s journey in the company of a mailbox. While we sprinted toward his house, Cole informed me that “On the Way Down” would be coming on any second. I noticed the reflection of police lights in Cole’s glass door as I slammed it behind me. Cole’s sweet mother stood in the hallway, ready to greet me. I quickly breezed by, ignoring her greetings. There was no time for polite chatter. Ryan Cabrera was on satellite TV. As we quickly ascended the stairs to the attic, Cole slipped and fell. I briefly considered saving him before deciding that would be a poor decision. I stepped on his back, giving myself an extra boost and propelling myself into the room. I collapsed on the ground, just in time to see Ryan announce “On the Way Down”. I made it! I watched the song from my stomach, as the police officer cuffed my hands behind my back. I tuned out the officer’s shouts to make the following observations: 1) Ryan Cabrera traded his acoustic guitar for an electric guitar. 2) Ryan Cabrera now looks like a pirate.

loveable teen idol and voice of our generation

menacing pirate (but still the voice of our generation)

False Hope

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

The sofa in my apartment’s living room is broken. The wooden boards that are supposed to support the cushion no longer fit, so instead of interlocking to form a bridge, they now collect in piles under the sofa’s frame. Whenever I sit on the sofa, I immediately sink, and my knees become level with my chest. Wedensday night, I was sitting on my quicksand sofa, ”enjoying” a pepperoni Hot Pocket, when I heard a distinct, melodic tone. I grabbed the remote and put the O’Reilly Factor on mute, hoping to pinpoint the sound’s origin. The note sounded like it was being produced by the lead actress from Phantom of the Opera (or at least from Cats). It was very faint, yet beautiful, and it resonated throughout my apartment’s walls. After much effort, I left the sofa in search of the sound’s creator. I was Odysseus, and I was being drawn by the voice of the Sirens. I climbed the stairs to my room, now walking as if in a trance. My room was silent, so I wandered back downstairs to search the remainder of the apartment. In the process, I mentioned the sound to my roommate, and after sharpening his ears, he quickly became entranced. We floated around the apartment like two rusty nails caught in the middle of a magnetic field. The magnetic pull of the melody took us outside the apartment and down to the first floor of the building. As I approached the door of the apartment below us, I expected three mythical goddesses draped in cloaks of white to greet me. Instead, I was greeted by a droopy-eyed bassett hound who wouldn’t stop howling. The disappointments in my life are never-ending. I went back inside my apartment and hopped into the crater on my sofa, cranking up the volume on the TV and tuning in to Papa Bear’s words of wisdom.

RIP Gerrard longsleeve jersey

Friday, November 14th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

This morning I was delivered the very disappointing news that my boy, Jules, broke his arm in an intramural soccer game last night. In addition to the broken bone, it is rumored that Jules also tore his beloved Steven Gerrard jersey. Hopefully, his arm will heal and his jersey will be replaced. However, Jules will obviously not be able to write a blog for a while. So, as a tribute, I will now list the things I like about Jules.

1. He is entirely enthusiastic about, and worships the sport of, soccer. 2. He is very good at the sport he worships. 3. He casually drops funny and cool phrases like “bones” and “scrub”. 4. He is single-handedly keeping Burger King in business. 5. He is probably the most devoted Liverpool FC fan living outside of Liverpool. 6. He wears cool clothes and appreciates the value of a good hoodie. 7. He has his own secret style of comedy which I will not repeat (I might have just given it away). 8. He knows more about the original Star Wars trilogy than any person outside of George Lucas’ family should. 9. He proudly displays his Star Wars knowledge on T-shirts. 10. His hair is short, thus easy to keep up with. 11. He is modest about his Magic the Gathering playing ability. 12. He makes cool drawings on the copy pages at The Plainsman. 13. He rips down trees with his bare hands, so that everyone else can enjoy a bonfire. 14. He often voices support for the short story “Brad Carrigan, American”. 15. He consumes multiple packs of sauce at Chick-fil-a.

I will close with some images Jules would appreciate.

Bumper Stuck

Friday, November 7th, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Bumper stickers are tattoos for your car. They’re usually permanent, so think before you peel and place. Don’t make the mistake of the typical frat boy and slap 20 stickers on the back of your Nissan Xterra. Do some research before choosing your sticker. Have a child on the honor roll? Don’t display it on your bumper. You’re just asking for a never ending contest. (My child is on the A++ honor roll, president of the student council, AND he kicked your child’s ass at last week’s science fair). Political bumper stickers can also be risky, because of their short shelf life. Your Kerry ‘04 sticker is now a permanent reminder of failure to the car that is tailgating you. Leaving political bumper stickers on a day after the election is still a day too much. If there’s a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on the back of your car right now, you’re setting yourself up to get burned. I’m considering carrying a black Sharpie in my pocket and writing “LOL” on every McCain/Palin bumper sticker I see. Don’t let it happen to you. Also, avoid religious bumper stickers. Question: What would Jesus do? Answer: Remove that ugly bumper sticker from your car. Finally, if you think you’ve found a funny bumper sticker to put on your car, ask around–it’s probably lame.

a hilarious bumper sticker

Choose Your Own Adventure 1: Haunted Homework-A

Friday, October 31st, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments

This is part 2 of the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series. In case part 1 (Jules’ story) isn’t above, here’s the link. http://blog.theplainsman.com/2008/10/31/choose-your-own-adventure-1-haunted-homework/#comments

A

As you walk briskly down the street, a chilly breeze begins to blow. You bought your Darth Vader costume at the local Wal-Mart, and you realize the thin, cloth sleeves aren’t providing you with the warmth you desire. You could have bought the realistic Darth Vader costume, complete with voice changer and titanium armor, from online, but you blew your money last week at the local carnival on funnel cakes, churros, corn dogs, and fried Twinkies (and later on Pepto Bismol). You notice one of your geography classmates, who is dressed as an eskimo, sitting on the curb, cloaked with a parka. You weigh the pros and cons of stealing the boy’s parka. You are worried about removing an evil emperor out of his galactic empire and placing him in the Alaskan wilderness. You visualize Darth Vader wearing a parka and come to the surprising conclusion that he looks like a badass. You then consider how difficult it would be to forcefully remove the parka from your eskimo classmate’s back. After observing the techniques of the weight-guessing man at the carnival, you predict the boy is around 120 pounds–40 pounds lighter than yourself. The parka is easily yours, if you want it.

-IF YOU ARE STILL FEELING COLD AND DECIDE TO TAKE THE PARKA FROM THE BOY, CHANNEL YOUR INNER HIGH-SCHOOL BULLY AND CONTINUE TO A1. If not, read on.

You decide to leave the boy alone and keep moving. After walking for a few more minutes, you realize Simon’s house is still 10 blocks away. You decide to take a shortcut through the woods on your right. The woods would seem eerie and foreboding to a child, but you enjoyed your first taste of liquor (and the aftertaste of vomit) before the carnival last week, and you feel ready to take on anything. While crossing through the woods, a 42-year-old, balding man steps out from behind the tree and greets you. He notices your pillowcase is empty and tells you he has Skittles and Starbursts in his nearby van. You tell him you like neither of those candies. He asks you what candy you do like, and you tell him Butterfingers. He tells you he has Butterfingers in his van as well. You really do love Butterfingers, but the Force is telling you this man is a pedaphile.

IF YOUR DESIRE FOR CANDY IS OVERTAKING YOUR COMMON SENSE, AND YOU WANT TO FOLLOW THE MAN TO HIS VAN, CONTINUE TO B1. If not, read on.

You brandish your plastic light saber, and the man backs off. You stumble through the woods for a few more minutes, the dead leaves crunching under your feet. Upon exiting the woods, you spot a 4-foot-6-inch ghost shooting the basketball in his driveway. A pillowcase full of Halloween candy is safely nestled underneath the goal. You quickly stuff your empty pillowcase with leaves before approaching the little ghost. He watches you behind the safety of the sheet, through the eyeholes his mother cut out for him. Holding up your bag of candy (leaves), you make a small bet with him. The two of you agree to take one free throw each. Whoever makes the free throw gets to take the other boy’s candy. After practicing the basketball toss at the carnival last week, your stroke is in proper form, and you sink your free throw. The little ghost’s shot doesn’t even make it to the rim. As you pick up his bag of candy, his mother walks out of the house.

IF YOU LEFT YOUR CONSCIENCE AT YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU WANT TO TAKE THE CANDY AND RUN, CONTINUE TO C1.

Hopefully, you chose A1, B1, or C1. If not, read on.

You tell the ghost’s mother you were helping him sort out his Halloween candy. She offers you a pumpkin cookie. You take the cookie and walk the final block to Simon’s house while you nibble. You open the front door without knocking and walk inside. Simon and Meghan (dressed as Obi Wan and Padme) are making out on the couch. You are devastated, because you have had a crush on Meghan ever since the 5th grade. You had planned on removing your Darth Vader mask tonight under the moonlight and revealing your true feelings to her. You realize now why you turned to the dark side. You drop your plastic light saber on the floor and leave the house, carrying only emotional baggage that will stay with you well into your college years.

Another ladrillo in the muro

Friday, October 24th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

I’m comfortably seated at a Mexican restaurant, about to double-dip my chip in the community salsa while my friends naively watch Latin-American soccer, when BOOM! It hits me–the shrill sound of a trumpet in my ear, the faint stench of body odor, and the portly man in the giant, sequened sombrero standing too close for comfort to my chicken burrito. Before I can wave them away, four mustachioed muchachos break into a rendition of Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall”. I scan my wallet for a couple of $1 bills while the mariachi band butchers two more classic rock songs. I’m out of ones, and the only way I’m dropping a ten is if they deliver a flawless performance of “Idioteque”. I briefly consider grabbing the guitar and belting out “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” to return the favor, but I don’t think the band appreciates 80’s soft rock ballads. They could also be offended by the lack of latino contestants on Rock of Love II. Still, I can’t leave them empty-handed. I realize that deep down, under the flamboyant costumes and criminally low pay, these guys are still musicians, singing their hearts out and living an obscure, sideshow version of their dreams; and, I can sympathize with that. So, I provide them with all I have–applause. As my hands slow and the clapping ceases, I make eye contact with the trumpet player and give him the “I’m proud of you” smile. I stand up for a brotherly embrace, expecting an inspirational moment he will discuss with his grandchildren in the near future. He moves torward me, and then brushes past me, flocking to the drunk girl sitting in the booth behind me that is waving $1 bills in front of her face. Like a pack of lemmings, the rest of the mariachi band follows him, breaking into a spirited version of “Feliz Navidad” in the middle of October.

Thursday Night with the Ry-Man

Friday, October 17th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

When my roommate and I departed Auburn for that barren wasteland called Tuscaloosa last night, we knew we had our work cut out for us. Our only goal was to survive long enough for the entire Ryan Adams and the Cardinals concert before our cover was blown. It was a high risk game of capture the flag, and a full night of top notch music was the enemy flag (We didn’t want to actually kidnap Ryan Adams…maybe). Despite our grim destination, the dream of a live Ryan Adams show kept us in high spirits. The Alexander City Police must have a happiness detector, however, because as I passed through Alexander City, I was immediately pulled over and handed a speeding ticket. It was a minor $127 distraction.

not a backstage pass

Eventually we arrived at the Bama Theatre in Tuscaloosa, with only three hours to kill before the show. We used the extra time to tour the nearby Chevron, Burger King, and housing projects.

the rest of the building isn't worth showing

Before the show, I rummaged through all available Cardinals merchandise. Unfortunately, they were out of the “I Have a Man Crush on Ryan Adams” T-shirts, so I settled on a basic concert tee. The acoustics in the theatre were great, and from my balcony seat I enjoyed a variety of personal favorites, like “Two”, “The Sun Also Sets”, and a cover of “Wonderwall”. In between songs, Ryan and the Cardinals kept the dialogue with the audience flowing. Ryan dedicated a short, improvised song to an unruly Bama fan in the audience (He titled it “The Crazy Dude Song” and included it in the set list). They also discussed the video for the Guns N’ Roses song “November Rain” (link provided below) and Slash’s ability to solo in front of a church.

watch?v=HI1I0_aaqi0

After about 25 songs, the concert ended, and the metaphorical flag was captured. Virtually unharmed, my roommate and I escaped Tuscaloosa, taking only our memories and this final photo with us.

me and Ryan Adams

3 Kinds of Persons

Friday, October 10th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

This is Griffin’s first blog (Grog). Griffin will write a different blog every Friday. Griffin will only write in third person for two more sentences before he switches to second person. Griffin has recently been thinking about Macs and PCs. Here are his thoughts.

WHAT YOUR COMPUTER CHOICE SAYS ABOUT YOU! (politically)–If you’re an Auburn student, you more than likely own a computer. When you bought a computer after high school with all that graduation cash, you had a decision to make–Mac or PC. Most of you probably went with a PC, because it was more affordable, the easy choice. Those of you who received a little extra cash from Grandma might have gone with the Mac. When you bought your computer, you probably rushed home to download music or send an e-mail to your Romanian penpal or play Starcraft, without pondering the importance of the decision you just made.  Little did you know, your computer choice reveals everything anyone would ever need to know about your political views.

Did you choose the Mac? SOCIALIST. You like the computer government taking care of everything for you. You don’t have to worry about your Mac getting viruses, because the socialist Mac government already provided a healthcare plan for you. Contemplating your career? The Mac government already decided that for you, too. You have three options–1) Musician 2) Filmmaker 3) Photographer. They even gave you programs to assist your career development (GarageBand, iPhoto and iMovie). And, don’t worry. Your Mac isn’t better than anyone else’s. They’re all the same. So, download Karl Marx’s manifesto in pdf format and get to reading. 

Did you choose the PC? CAPITALIST-Congratulations! You get to shop around for virus protection. However, your virus protection software won’t work exactly right, and you’ll get a virus anyway. Don’t worry though, because you have more programs to choose from, so at least you can have whatever job you want. Start working with Microsoft Excel, and who knows, one day you might be an accountant! Whatever you want to be, the sky is the limit (until your PC breaks down after 3 years because of faulty parts and you have to buy a new one).

Think about your computer decision while this blog Grog switches to first person.

I hope everyone enjoyed the multi-narrative count down. I plan on writing in first person for the rest of the semester. Now I will post this Grog on my PC, before it breaks down.